What Your Referral Ask Really Says (And How to Fix It)

A friend recently asked me to take a look at a message she wanted to send to someone she knew at a company. She’d just applied for a role and was hoping for a referral.

Here’s the note she drafted:

At first glance, it seems fine: short, polite, and specific. But as I read it, I realized there were a few things that might hold her back from getting the response she wanted.

Here’s the feedback I gave her:

1. Personalize your ask.

When I read her note, my first thought was: “Why this person?”

Templates are great because they save time but the risk is they make your message sound generic. And when a message feels generic, it feels like you could’ve sent it to anyone at the company.

That’s why I always recommend taking an extra two or three minutes to personalize your ask. A thoughtful note goes a long way. It tells the recipient why you’re reaching out to them specifically.

Think about what you already know:

• Did you work with this person before and enjoy it?
• Have they offered you valuable insights in the past?
• Is there something about their work that inspires you?

The recipient is almost always wondering: “Why did they message me?”

And chances are, you already know the answer. So let them know why.

2. Respect the human side of referrals.

Reading her note, I couldn’t help but think: “She sees a referral as just clicking a button in Workday.”

But a referral is more than that. When someone refers you, they’re telling the hiring manager: “I believe this person deserves to be considered over hundreds of other applicants.”

That’s not just forwarding a resume. That’s putting their own reputation on the line.

If the person they refer doesn’t perform well, it reflects back on them. Their team might question their judgment. The hiring manager might wonder if they really understand the role. That’s the weight behind a referral and it’s why a generic, transactional message can feel flat.

When you skip over that reality, you don’t just risk a no. You risk silence.

The recipient doesn’t know how to respond, feels uninspired to help, and the conversation stalls. And silence is the worst outcome because it leaves you wondering where you stand and makes the relationship feel unclear.

Acknowledging the weight of the ask shows that you get it and that you value their reputation as much as your own opportunity. That small gesture of respect can completely change how your message lands.

3. Do the heavy lifting for them.

As I read her note, another thought popped up: “Okay…but why you?”

Without a few quick highlights, the recipient has to do all the work. Scan your LinkedIn, compare it to the job description, and then try to piece together a case for you.

Realistically? Most people won’t put in that much effort, even if they want to help. They’re busy, and you’re asking them to take on a task you could’ve made easy.

And there’s another risk. If they do try to advocate for you, they may not even highlight the most relevant parts of your background. Not because they don’t want to, but because they don’t know your recent work in detail.

They’ll fall back on what they remember. A project from years ago, or an old role that isn’t quite aligned. That’s not the pitch you want them making.

That’s why doing the heavy lifting matters.

Share two or three tailored reasons why you’re a strong fit for this role. Not a full resume, just the highlights. If you can’t come up with three solid reasons, it might be a sign the role isn’t the right fit in the first place.

A few minutes of effort on your part can save them time, build their confidence in referring you, and make it easy for them to literally copy and paste your case.

4. Give people an easy out.

As I read her note, I noticed it boxed the recipient into a corner. The ask was basically yes or no. And my thought was: “What if they don’t feel comfortable referring her?”

Without an easy way to decline, the recipient has to figure out how to respond.

Do they say no directly? Do they ignore it? Both feel awkward.

And when something feels awkward, people often take the path of least resistance: silence.

Adding a simple out shifts the tone immediately. To do this, you can add something like:

“If you don’t feel comfortable, no worries at all”

Now the message feels more like a conversation, less like a transaction. The recipient feels respected, not pressured. And paradoxically, that makes them more likely to say yes.

And if they do decline, the relationship is still there which sets you up for future conversations.

5. Broaden the win.

Instead of jumping straight to “Can you refer me?”, open the conversation by asking if they’d be open to potentially referring you while giving them an easy out if they don’t think it’s the right fit.

I love this approach because it takes the pressure off and keeps the dialogue going.

Their response can help you either way.

Maybe they refer you. Maybe they give you feedback on your resume. Maybe they share insider context about the role like why the timing or team fit might not be ideal.

That feedback is just as valuable as the referral itself.

The key is to be open to the possibility that they might not want to refer you for good reasons. And often, those reasons are in your best interest.

By broadening the win, you create a conversation that can move in multiple helpful directions instead of ending in a flat yes or no.

To recap, here are 5 ways to make your referral asks stronger:

• Personalize your ask.
• Respect the human side of referrals.
• Do the heavy lifting for them.
• Give people an easy out.
• Broaden the win.

Referrals aren’t just about getting your foot in the door. They’re about building long-term trust and relationships.